look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
