he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
