Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
