I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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