he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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