ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
