My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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