Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
