saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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