Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
