First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
