you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
