I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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