Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
