Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
