I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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