Christians are straight up FREAKS
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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