If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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