I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
