You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
