I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
