My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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