He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
