took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
