hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
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