Michael Bay diarrhea
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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