Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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