Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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