hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
