I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Randomize
