I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
