i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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