On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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