This is not my ceiling
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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