These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
