After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You took a bar mat shot.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
