There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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