i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize