so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
