Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
