btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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