Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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