Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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