i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize