this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
