dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
