Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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