Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
