so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
