I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I feel great
I just peed on a car
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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