Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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