I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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