There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
