I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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