my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
