i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
