i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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