So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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