I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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