Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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