An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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