I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
