i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
