Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
