I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I enjoy the company of your penis
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
