It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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