I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
