I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
