i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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