dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Found the puke drawer
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
