i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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