There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
