So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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